I was sitting on chair near fire furnace but there was no fire. Surroundings are silent like my heart. Drizzle type snow fall was going continuously since Friday night. Hill top is covered with white blanket of ice and it looks like a dead body is covered with white cotton piece, like I covered my love with this so called marriage. I don’t think it’s a marriage; it’s a compromise only because I don’t love the person who is known as my husband. Room is as cold as my feelings; I put some wooden timber in fire furnace, fire burns once again and in the light of fire I saw the framed landscape one again and cross my both hand’s fingers in each other and put it below my chin and starts looking again on the frame. After a while, I reached in my past while losing my present.
Those days I was in previous year of my
post graduation. One day when I was in library’s reference section for some
book, he comes to me and asks, “Will you marry me?” I was in shocked because I
never expect such thing from an unknown person and like this. Although I was
not in love with someone else before, nor I’m dating anyone currently but I
can’t digest instant proposal. If he asked for friendship then I might say yes,
but for marriage…no way. My mind got stuck for a while and when I resume myself
I asked to him, do you know me?
He calmly said, ‘yes! You are in
previous year of Psychology and working on “Domestic abuses and their
psychological effect on women and their children” and you are here for
collection of some references and data related to your topic’. After few
minutes he says, ‘It is not a love at first sight because I am student of Fine
Arts and I love the style and quality of creation. Your eyes always used to
speaks with me. I pinched and squeezed my heart several times that is it just
affection or really I am in love with you? I think tying knot is better than
being in relationship. It’s not compulsory for you to feel same for me as I do
but I am requesting you to before rejecting me calculate your all permutation
and combination. Although, love is neither Mathematics nor Physics but still it
has some equation and equilibrium and if you find any equation, fit me there.
You are free to judge me on each and every parameter and equation, and can
reject me too but please give me permission that I can worship you like before’.
‘He is not smart and up-to-date, you
will get more option dear’ It’s my friend circle’s first remark. But I was
stuck in between his words and feelings despite no love and affection with
him. Is I am in love with him? He
usually sits alone on library stairs after classes and when I return back from
library he exchanged his feeling through his eyes and I have no option to lower
my eyelid angle. Day by day I was descending towards his feelings but was not
in condition to accept his proposal. In our culture it’s a biggest sin if a
girl chooses her better half by herself. It’s not her right; it’s the right of her
parents, her family members and society members. It was almost impossible for
me to control my feelings.
One day when I came back from library,
cats and dogs are going on. He was standing near the fourth pillar from right
side. He came to me and said, ‘what’s your decision?’
‘Regarding…?’
‘Regarding my proposal?’
‘It’s not in my hand; it’s the
jurisdiction of my parents, my family member. I don’t even know you, then how I
can say anything to you regarding my marriage.’
O.K.! Good, ‘It’s dangerous to talk to strangers
but it’s perfectly okay to marry one. Do you know to whom you will be going to
marry? The person who will be chosen by your family member is similarly unknown
and stranger to you like me. At least you are seeing me, but you’ll see him on
your first night.
‘It’s our tradition.’
‘Accepting an unknown person’s proposal
is against the tradition, but it is within the tradition to sleep with an
unknown person in the very first night after some religious rituals?’
‘Actually, our parents fixes our
marriages by their own experiences, parents never do bad to their children.
Look around you, success of arrange marriages percentage is more than love
marriage.’
‘Love marriage’s low successful
percentage doesn’t designate that it is Nuclear science or Rocket technology.
Arrange marriage is based on, ‘A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people
who refuses to give up on each other’ and “who refuses to give up on each
other” is not love or result of experience, it’s just to level of compromise.
Both families pressurize the couple to live together for the sake of their
marriage, kids, family reputation, tradition and religion. Then where the hell
is love in the marriage?’
In the beginning of my final year, my
father accepted a proposal for me, according to my father it was a very good
proposal and I’ll be happy in my married life. I was not happy anymore with
this proposal because I was in love with that artist who taught me the lesson
of love. I don’t know how this news spread up to him that a new proposal has
been accepted for my and he was rejected. He never says anything to me; his
silence was more painful than his words. He still sits on library stairs but
never looks in my eyes. I talked so many times to him but he never replied. In
my life I never saw such a loyal worshiper. He loves me but I never accepted
his love or his proposal nor put his proposal in front of my parents but now he
is out of frame because of my hesitation and society tradition. Tears sliding
from cheeks and rolling down on neck but all in vein. He is an artist; he never
drawn his line in my palm but he carved his name in my heart. He is in my
heart, in my thought but he is not my fortune.
My marriage was after third semester
exam and suddenly I became the wife of a Colonel. In very first night my
husband says, ‘you are not my choice, you are here because of my parents. I
love some other girl, but my family is not ready for marriage with her. I was
not ready for this marriage, but my father threatened me that if I’ll not marry
with you, he will lose his life. Sitting on the middle of the double bed which
is full with pink rose, I thought is he (my husband) really in Army? The person
who never afraid with enemies, got trapped in between with his father illogical
thought? Is he is really able for Army? I got headache despite room is well
decorated with fresh red and white roses, fragrance of lavender makes erotic
environment but now I have no interest in the man who is changing his cloth in
the attach bathroom. After some time he was over me, his hands slides over me
but I was not getting any type of feeling. I was thinking that, if I am not his
choice then what he is doing with me? Is fulfilling the lust and ejaculate the
‘so called dumb tradition’ in me is marriage? Without arousing your partner
making thrust and stroke is marriage?
He repeated this till I get pregnant. I
was in dilemma, what should I do? Whether I celebrate this or I should go for
abortion? How can I carry a baby of that person in my womb who never loves me,
he comes over me for fulfilling his lust only. Once he get erection he comes
over me squeeze and thrust me and when the filthy body goes loose, he slide
from me and walk away. I always thought why he is in Army and what is his use
there? I have respect for Army because it’s the braves’ men who decorate it but
my so called husband is a mucky lusty man. I never feel any respect for him.
My husband got his transfer to Simla,
when I was three month pregnant. It was a cloudy and drizzly day when I entered
in Army hospital with my mother for my routine checkup. It’s my mother who
convinces me for delivery because the baby has no fault with my marriage. ‘Your
husband is not alone, all men are same, the never loves their wives at all but
when they need you they will jerk off in you. It’s all about psychological and
sexual error, which is inherent in men.’ In returning I saw the same face after
ten month. He was sitting alone on stairs but I was with mother so I have to
neglect him. In our societies, married women can’t talk with stranger men. What
a bullshit tradition. I know he is not a stranger to me but according to
society law he is still stranger for me. The person is totally stranger for me
who taught me what is love without touching me, and the person who drills me
every night doesn’t even know the basics of love.
I draft a letter after returning from
hospital and gave it to the security guard of my house and said, ‘give it to
the man who is wearing sweat shirt over check shirt and sitting on the hospital’s
entrance gate stairs.’
Dear,
‘I don’t know when and why I fall in
love with you despite so many hurdle and barrier. I never thought about being
in relationship with any one before marriage. I had no courage to go against my
family for my love so I never thought regarding this. I love to hear your
philosophical words although I know that I can’t bear the weight of such words
but I have no way to bind my eternal emotions regarding you, so I buried you in
my heart. I used to flow on your words but never thought that one day I will be
out of your territory. My father arranged my marriage and I have no other
choice to accept that. Hope you’ll understand the limitation and feeling of a
helpless girl. When I saw you today, I can’t control myself. If my mom wasn’t
with me I might hug you. You and your love are flowing in my veins; I can’t
stop thinking about you. I know it’s a sin according to our customs and society
but now I don’t care about all this holy shit.’
Yours and truly yours forever.
Security guard returns after an hour
with a letter and a framed landscape. I never feel recharged like this before.
I kept framed landscape aside and open the letter in a hurry.
My goddess,
‘It’s all about fortune and I don’t
believe on fortune. I am an artist and I believe only in perfection. If two
imperfect people can’t gave a perfect color to their hope and life then what’s
the advantage of being together? I am working in Simla with a MNC as a
Landscape adviser, hope you are going good in your life. My heart never sounds
as well as it behaves for you so I am still single but now onwards I will be
not in relationship. My love was for you, is for you, will for you. I am
gifting you a landscape sketched by me. Hope it will not hurt your emotions
anymore.’
…..
Since then the landscape is fixed on
right side wall near by the fire furnace, adjacent to the gallery which opens
in lawn. Whenever I miss him or my eyes want to see him, I exchanged my
feelings with landscape and his inherent words wounded me so deep that I repeat
his words in hysteria mode, “will you marry me?” He never replied back since,
but still I am waiting for his reply for my question “will you marry me?”
~- Naiyar Imam /10-03-2015
