जड़

मैं, ख़्यालों की चोटी पर गुमसुम बैठा
बेमतलब सा यूँही कुछ सोच रहा हूँ
कि दोनों के दिलों में गर बर्फ़ है इतनी 
जो कभी पिघलती ही नहीं
तो फिर रावी और गंगा उफनती क्यों है?

सुना है कि इक उम्र के पड़ाव के बाद
पेड़ भी अपनी जड़ों से बिछड़ते नहीं हैं
अगर हम काट भी डालें दरख़्तों को
तो उसके ठूंठ के किसी आवारा से जड़ से
मुद्दतों बाद ही सही मगर
उस बूढ़े दरख़्त की नयी नस्ल
अपने वजूद से
हर नफ़रत को नकारते हुए
उगती ज़रूर है
और उस नयी नस्ल का उगना ही
हार है तुम्हारी

~
- नैय्यर / 21-04-2014

चार आने की धूप

http://ichakbichak.blogspot.in/2015/04/blog-post_26.html

***
 

“बिल्ली को किस भाषा में ‘गातो’ कहते हैं”?

नींद से बोझल आँखों को मसलते हुए उसने अँधेरे में उस आवाज़ को टटोलने की कोशिश की जिसने उसे ठिठुरती सर्दी की गर्म रात में ख़ुबसूरत नींद से जगाया था.

बोलो ! “बिल्ली को किस भाषा में ‘गातो’ कहते हैं”?

नानू ! आपको भी आधी रात का ही वक़्त सूझता है सबक़ पूछने के लिए? आवाज़ पहचानते ही उसने गर्म लिहाफ़ के अन्दर से कसमसाते हुए कहा. मैं तो सबक़ सुनाने के लिए देर रात तक आपकी स्टडी में आपका इंतज़ार करता रहा पर आप आए ही नहीं तो मैं सोने चला आया.

मैं आधी रात में सवाल इसलिए पूछता हूँ कि इस वक़्त ज़हन बिलकुल साफ़ और शांत होता है. इस वक़्त ज़हन पर जो कुछ भी उकेरा जाता है वो पत्थर की लकीर की तरह अमिट हो जाता है, समझे !  अच्छा, ये बताओ फ़ारसी का सबक़ याद हुआ या नहीं?

उसने करवट बदलते हुए कहा, हाँ ! याद हो गया है नानू.

तो फिर ये बताओ कि ‘कुलाहे मन स्याह अस्त’ का उर्दू तर्जमा क्या होगा?

नानू ! इस बार उसने लिहाफ़ से ज़रा सा मुँह बाहर निकाल कर कहा, – ‘सब याद है पर अभी सब कुछ गुडमुड सा है. सुबह नाश्ते के वक़्त आपको सब कुछ सुना दूँगा.

अच्छा, तो अब तुम आराम से सो जाओ, सुबह नाश्ते के वक़्त मिलते हैं. नानू ने उसके गाल थपथपाते हुए उसके माथे पर बोसा दिया और लिहाफ़ ठीक से ओढ़ने की ताकीद करते हुए कमरे से बाहर निकल गए.

***

 

सुबह 8:30 बजे नाश्ते की टेबल पर सभी घरवाले इकट्ठे थे. छोटे मियाँ को हलवे के साथ बेमुरव्वती से इंसाफ़ करते देख अब्बा ने कहा कि, - ‘इतनी जल्दी क्या है, आराम से खाओ. हलवा कहीं भागा तो नहीं जा रहा.’ छोटे मियाँ भला कब चुप रहने वाले थे, तपाक से बोले, - ‘हलवा तो बेशक यहीं होगा, लेकिन आप ऑफ़िस चले जायेंगे. कई रोज़ से आप मेरी चीज़ें लानी भूल जा रहे हैं. आज तो मैं आपके साथ ही चलूँगा. आप दुकान से मुझे मेरी चीज़ें दिलवा देना, फिर मैं घर वापस आ जाउँगा.’ 

अब्बा ने घड़ी देखते हुए कहा, - ‘छोटे मियाँ ! आज तो माज़रत, आज कुछ ज़रूरी काम है, फिर कभी हम आपको साथ लिए चलेंगे. या आप यूँ करें कि आपने जो चीज़ें बाज़ार मँगवानी है उनकी लिस्ट बना लीजिए, मैं कल दफ़्तर से वापसी के वक़्त लेता आऊँगा.’

हाँ ! ये ठीक रहेगा. क्यूँ छोटे मियाँ? नानू ने गाजर के हलवे की तश्तरी अपनी तरफ़ खींचते हुए कहा.

छोटे मियाँ ने कुछ भी बोलने से गुरेज़ किया और बस अपनी कंचे जैसी हरी आँखें मटका दीं. 

नानू ने मक्खन लगा फ़्रेंच टोस्ट और ऑमलेट छोटे मियाँ की तरफ़ बढ़ाते हुए कहा, ‘‘कुलाहे मन स्याह अस्त” का उर्दू तर्जमा क्या होगा?

छोटे मियाँ ने टोस्ट कुरकुराते हुए ऑमलेट का एक टुकड़ा तोड़ कर मुँह में रखा और इत्मिनान से कहा, -‘मेरी टोपी काली है’

शाबाश ! नानू ने ख़ुश होते हुए कहा. ऐसे ही मन लगा कर सबक़ याद करना चाहिए. अच्छे बच्चे कभी अपना सबक़ नहीं भूलते. और सबक़ हमेशा याद रहे इसके लिए बच्चों को चाहिए कि हर सुबह एक ग्लास दूध ज़रूर पिएँ. आप दूध पियेंगे न छोटे मियाँ?

हाँ ! आज छोटे मियाँ ने बिना किसी हुज्जत के ही हथियार डाल दिए थे.

नानू ने दूध का ग्लास छोटे मियाँ की तरफ़ बढ़ाते हुए पूछा, -“बिल्ली को किस भाषा में ‘गातो’ कहते हैं”?

छोटे मियाँ ने दूध का घूँट भरते हुए कहा, - ‘इटालियन में’.

बिलकुल सही जवाब ! और बिल्ली की वैसी ही मूंछें होती है जैसी अभी छोटे मियाँ की बनी हुई हैं. सबकी नज़रें एक साथ छोटे मियाँ की तरफ़ उठीं और कमरा ठहाकों से गूंज उठा. सबको ख़ुद पे हँसते देख छोटे मियाँ शरमाते हुए उठे और हथेली की पीठ से अपने होंठ साफ़ करते कमरे से भाग खड़े हुए.

***

छोटे मियाँ नानू के स्टडी में कबसे गुमसुम बैठे हुए थे. कहाँ तो वो अपने अब्बा हज़ूर को अपने लिए रोज़ दर्जनों चीज़ों के नाम गिनवा देते थे पर जब लिस्ट बनाने की बात आई तो बहुत सोचने के बाद भी कुल जमा आठ नाम. एक क्रिकेट बैट, एक जस्ता काग़ज़ लाइन वाली, एक सफ़ेद, एक स्केल, रंगीन पेंसिल, रंगीन रिबन, रंगीन काग़ज़ और गोंद. पेंसिल का पिछला हिस्सा चबाते हुए छोटे मियाँ यही सोचे जा रहे थे कि क्या हम बच्चों के लिए बाज़ार में ज़्यादा चीज़ें नहीं बिकतीं? अब्बा और अम्मी तो थैले भर-भर के चीज़ें ले आते हैं और मेरे लिए बस आठ ही चीज़ें. क्या बाज़ार की सारी चीज़ें सिर्फ़ बड़ों के लिए ही होती हैं? हमारा भी तो कितना मन करता है ढेर सारे खिलोने ख़रीदें, अच्छी-अच्छी गाड़ियाँ ख़रीदें. मज़े-मज़े की चीज़ें खायें पर हमें तो हर बात पर अम्मी-अब्बा टोक दिया करते हैं कि फलाँ चीज़ सेहत के लिए अच्छी नहीं तो फलाँ चीज़ मेरे लिए, गोया उन्हें मेरी कितनी फ़िक्र है. अगर उन्हें मेरी इतनी ही फ़िक्र है तो मेरे लिए बाज़ार से ढेर सारी चीज़ें क्यूँ नहीं ले आते?

शायद पेंसिल के पिछले हिस्से में कोई विटामिन होती होगी तभी तो हर कोई सोचते वक़्त पेंसिल का पिछला हिस्सा चबाता है और उसले अपने मसले का कोई न कोई हल मिल ही जाता है. पेंसिल चबाते-चबाते छोटे मियाँ को भी आईडिया आ ही गया. वो दौड़े-दौड़े नानू के पास गए और कहा, - ‘नानू क्या आप मुझे एक अठन्नी दे सकते हैं, अम्मी तो पैसे देंगी नहीं.’

नानू ने किताब को उल्टा कर के अपने सीने पे रखते हुए आँखों से चश्मा हटाया और बोले, - ‘हाँ ! मैं आपको एक क्या दस अठन्नी दे सकता हूँ, पर आप अठन्नी का करेंगे क्या?’

‘नानू मैं पास वाले नुक्कड़ पे जाउँगा और वहाँ जो दुकानें हैं न, मैं वहाँ से अपनी पसंद की ढेर सारी चीज़ें ख़रीदूँगा’

‘अच्छा ! नानू ने मुस्कुराते हुए कहा’, और तकिये के नीचे से एक अठन्नी निकाल कर छोटे मियाँ को जल्दी आने की ताकीद करते हुए पकड़ा दिया. पैसे मिलते ही छोटे मियाँ ख़ुश हो उठे और इठलाते हुए  नुक्कड़ की तरफ़ चले जो उनके घर से महज़ 10-20 क़दम की दूरी पर ही था, मगर छोटे मियाँ के क़दम से हिसाब से नुक्कड़ शायद 40-50 क़दम दूर हो.

दूकान पर पहुँचते ही छोटे मियाँ ने कहा, - ‘अंकल ! मुझे एक पतंग दे दीजिये.’

‘लेकिन...बेटा, आप इतने छोटे हो कि आप पतंग नहीं उड़ा पाओगे, आप कोई टॉफ़ी क्यूँ नहीं ले लेते? नहीं मुझे टॉफ़ी नहीं पतंग चाहिए.’

‘पर...आप से पतंग उड़ नहीं पायेगी बेटा, आप पतंग उड़ाने के लिए अभी बहुत छोटे हो.’ ये सुनते ही छोटे मियाँ मायूस हो गए और अठन्नी हथेली में दबाए घर की तरफ़ मुड़ गए. अभी 10-12 क़दम ही चले होंगे की रस्ते में एक बच्चा मिला जो बुरी तरह काँप और सिसक रहा था. छोटे मियाँ ने उस से पूछा कि दोस्त तुम रो क्यूँ रहे हो, और इतना काँप क्यूँ रहे हो?

‘मुझे चार दिन से बहुत तेज़ बुखार है, घर में इतने पैसे नहीं कि मेरी दावा आ सके, इसीलिए मैं यहाँ धूप में बैठा हूँ’ – बच्चे ने कहा.

‘धूप में बैठने से क्या तुम्हारी तबियत ठीक हो जाएगी?’ – छोटे मियाँ ने हैरत से पूछा.

‘नहीं ! तबियत तो ठीक नहीं होगी, पर मुझे कंपकंपी से थोड़ी राहत मिल जायेगी.

‘अच्छा, क्या तुम नुक्कड़ तक मेरे साथ चल सकते हो? मेरे पास एक अठन्नी है, मैं उससे तुम्हारे लिए दवाई ख़रीद दूँगा.’

बीमार बच्चे ने कुछ नहीं कहा, बस चुपचाप छोटे मियाँ के पीछे चलने लगा. नुक्कड़ पर पहुँच कर छोटे मियाँ ने अपनी अठन्नी दुकानदार को देते हुए कहा कि इसे बुखार है, आप इसे दवा दे दीजिये. दुकानदार अठन्नी देखते ही कहा कि इतने पैसे में दवा तो नहीं मिल सकती. कम से कम दो रुपये हों तो मैं तुम्हें दवा दे दूँ.

छोटे मियाँ ने कुछ सोचते हुए कहा, - ‘मेरे पास तो महज़ एक अठन्नी ही है, ये बेचारा बीमार है और काँप रहा है इसलिए धूप में बैठा रो रहा था. कहता है कि धूप से कुछ राहत मिल जाएगी इसे. एक काम कीजिये, आप मुझे चार आने की एक मिठाई और इसे चार आने की धूप दे दीजिये.’

छोटे मियाँ के इस मुतालबे पर बीमार बच्चा और दुकानदार दोनों उनका मुँह देखने लगे जब्कि छोटे मियाँ तो अपने लिए मिठाइयाँ पसंद करने में मसरूफ़ थे.

~

- नैय्यर / 17-04-2015

ISLAM, MUSLIMS, TERORISM, JIHAD, MEDIA AND THE WORLD

http://www.afternoonvoice.com/islam-is-the-religion-of-peace-part-i.html http://www.afternoonvoice.com/media-biased-towards-islam.html

Everything and every phenomenon in the world other than man is administered totally by God made laws, i.e. they are obedient to God and submissive to his laws, they are in the State of Islam. Meaning of Islam is commitment to live in peace through submission to the will of Allah and Muslim is a person who makes an obligation to live in peace through servitude to Allah. Islam never supports for terrorism and converting people to Islam by force or oppression is never termed as Jihad as per Islamic teaching but a serious crime. Killing a soul is equal to killing the whole mankind and Islam never backs for such incidents and behavior and those who are killing innocent people for the sake of Islam and on the name of Islam is not representing the Islam. Islam is the religion of peace and who indulge in any set of violence is not Muslim as per Islamic law and teaching. World media is propagating Muslims and terrorism as synonymous but it’s not true. Media is representing the false image of Muslims to the world.

Islam and Muslims 

“Certainly, the only acceptable way which Allah will accept is Islam.” [Holy Qur’an 3:19]

Islam is derived from the Arabic root “S­­­­_l_m_ i.e. Salema” meaning peace, purity, submission and obedience to Allah. The word Muslim is an adjective derived from the noun Islam. The most fundamental concept of Islam is the oneness of God means ‘Tawheed’. To the believer there is all sign (aayat) of Allah. Islam asks total submission and there can be no option in the matter because submission requires conscious and fully effort to submit to the Allah and obedience to His law. 

“It is not fitting for the believing man or the believing woman that whenever Allah and His Messenger have decided any matter, that they should have any other option.” [Holy Qur’an 33:36]

Islam teaches the oneness of God and brotherhood of all races and remains tolerant and respectful of all other religion and believes. Whatever Allah and His Messenger have set the way of Islam is incumbent on the believer (man or woman) to follow completely.  

 

“…and obey Allah and His Messenger” [Holy Qur’an 3:132]

“He who obeys the Messengers has indeed obeys Allah.” [Holy Qur’an 4:80]

Terrorism and Jihad 

           

Terrorism is bigger sin than murder. Qur’an strictly forbids murder. 

“…and do not kill a soul that Allah has made sacred, save lawfully.” [Holy Qur’an 6:151]

Here, the meaning of ‘save lawfully’ is murder is not allowed in Islam but death penalty imposed by the government for any crime is permitted and without any authentic reason killing anyone is equal to killing the whole mankind.

“…who so kills a soul, unless it be for murder or for wreaking corruption in the land, it shall be as if he had killed all mankind; and who saves a life, it hall be as if he had given life to all mankind. ” [Holy Qur’an 5:53]

If the motive of terrorism is religious like ISIS, Taliban etc. are trying to propagate, it is impermissible in Islam and no verse of Qur’an supports it. According to Qur’an there is no compulsion in religion.

“There is no compulsion in religion…” [Holy Qur’an 2:256]

“You have your religion and I have mine.” [Holy Qur’an 109:6]

People can adopt any religion and it’s up to their will and choice. But once if you surrender yourself to Allah follow the path of His Messenger and be on Imaan till die. The killing of innocent non-combatants is banned in Islam. Abu Bakar-al-Siddiq, the first Caliph of Islam instructs his army that ‘Do not kill women, children, the old or the sick; do not cut down fruit bearing trees; do not destroy any town.’ 

 

Jihad is actually a Christian term meaning ‘justifiable war’. According to Islamic teaching Jihad means ‘struggle’ and ‘strive’ against evil thoughts and aggression against person, family, society or country. If a so called Muslim involves in any terror activity, media used the term ‘Islamic Terrorism’ for such incident but there is no such phrase or term in Qur’an or any religious book of Muslims by which such an inhuman act is justified. Media and other people use misunderstood Jihad as ‘Holy War’ but in Islam there is no such evidence. Actually this terminology was originated in Europe during Crusades and their war against Muslims. Islam respects all humans and faiths as long as there is no religious oppression, forbidding Muslims from serving Allah. 

Jihad is usually associated Islam and Muslims, but in fact, the concept of Jihad is found in almost all religion including Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism and political/economical ideologies such as Capitalism, Socialism and Communism etc. Islam is the religion of peace and harmony and didn’t support violence or terror in any form. Islam welcomes the enemy with open heart for the sake of peace and brotherhood. 

 

“But if the enemies incline towards peace, do you also incline towards peace and trust in Allah. He hears and knows all things. ” [Holy Qur’an 8:61]

The word ‘peace’ is mentioned 58 times in Qur’an and it is one of the attributes which Allah has named Himself in Qur’an. 

 

“He is Allah beside whom there is none worthy of worship, The King, The Holy, The Peace, The Watcher, The Almighty, The Compeller, The Supreme. Glory be to Allah, He is above all that they try to associate with Him as partners.” [Holy Qur’an 59:23]

Islam is essentially and basically concerned with establishing societies in which the rights of freedom of belief, human right and protection of life, dignity and property are secure from internal and external threats.

Media and the World  

Western and biased media is propagated Islam as ‘militant religion’ and people take it further as ‘religion of blood, fire, sword and terrorism.’ In the Nazis’ Holocaust against Jews which was done by Hitler and more than 60,000,000 Catholic Christian died is termed as an example of terrorism. Operation ‘Agent Orange’ which was done by US Vietnam is not terror incident but 9/11 and Peshawar Military attack was highlighted by act of terrorism by biased media. 

After 9/11 attacks international media tend to negative depict of Islam by associating it terrorism mainly the media houses of UK and US equated terrorism as Islam. By doing so they want to justify the war in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Palestine etc. TV news and newspaper are the most important source of public knowledge of world events and people believes on which print and electronic media feeds in their mind. According to Mc Quail (1995), in certain conditions, media can help the government dealing with terror issues by giving a negative label or name to terrorist groups and generating some panic situations to terrorists through the information spread. Lowenthal (1989) claims that without the collaboration of the media, terrorism would be impotent. 

Terrorism is an indirect psychological strategy which avoids direct contact with opponents. So, without media coverage terrorism disappears. After 9/11 the terms "Muslim" and "Terrorist" became synonymous in many western countries. Since this event, many experts and activists in the field of human rights have warned of the escalation of Islam phobia and racism against Muslims in many western countries. 

In India, media is following the same trend as western media. Any accident in which ‘Muslimfundamentalists’ are associated are termed as terror attack but in which ‘Hindu fundamentalists’ are associated is not termed as terror attack. Indian print and electronic media is totally biased in the name of Muslim and propagate false things. Media give negative effect on handling terrorism even though a government does some filtrations in selecting information for neutralization purpose.

 

“There is no changing to the creation of Allah. That is the right religion, but most men know not.” [Holy Qur’an 30:30]

References

1. Lowenthal, G. (1989) The Role of the Media in the Struggles Against Terrorism. In Nentanyahu, B.(ed.) International Terrorism: Challenge and Response. California: Transactions Publishers.
2. Mc Quail, D. (1995) Media Performance: Mass Communication and the Public Interest. London: Sage.
3. The Holy Qur’an

4. Yusof, S. A. (2013) The Framing of International Media on Islam and Terrorism. European Science Journal. Vol.9, No,-08

***

Will You Marry Me?

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00URCKBE6

I was sitting on chair near fire furnace but there was no fire. Surroundings are silent like my heart. Drizzle type snow fall was going continuously since Friday night. Hill top is covered with white blanket of ice and it looks like a dead body is covered with white cotton piece, like I covered my love with this so called marriage. I don’t think it’s a marriage; it’s a compromise only because I don’t love the person who is known as my husband. Room is as cold as my feelings; I put some wooden timber in fire furnace, fire burns once again and in the light of fire I saw the framed landscape one again and cross my both hand’s fingers in each other and put it below my chin and starts looking again on the frame. After a while, I reached in my past while losing my present.

Those days I was in previous year of my post graduation. One day when I was in library’s reference section for some book, he comes to me and asks, “Will you marry me?” I was in shocked because I never expect such thing from an unknown person and like this. Although I was not in love with someone else before, nor I’m dating anyone currently but I can’t digest instant proposal. If he asked for friendship then I might say yes, but for marriage…no way. My mind got stuck for a while and when I resume myself I asked to him, do you know me?

He calmly said, ‘yes! You are in previous year of Psychology and working on “Domestic abuses and their psychological effect on women and their children” and you are here for collection of some references and data related to your topic’. After few minutes he says, ‘It is not a love at first sight because I am student of Fine Arts and I love the style and quality of creation. Your eyes always used to speaks with me. I pinched and squeezed my heart several times that is it just affection or really I am in love with you? I think tying knot is better than being in relationship. It’s not compulsory for you to feel same for me as I do but I am requesting you to before rejecting me calculate your all permutation and combination. Although, love is neither Mathematics nor Physics but still it has some equation and equilibrium and if you find any equation, fit me there. You are free to judge me on each and every parameter and equation, and can reject me too but please give me permission that I can worship you like before’.

‘He is not smart and up-to-date, you will get more option dear’ It’s my friend circle’s first remark. But I was stuck in between his words and feelings despite no love and affection with him.  Is I am in love with him? He usually sits alone on library stairs after classes and when I return back from library he exchanged his feeling through his eyes and I have no option to lower my eyelid angle. Day by day I was descending towards his feelings but was not in condition to accept his proposal. In our culture it’s a biggest sin if a girl chooses her better half by herself. It’s not her right; it’s the right of her parents, her family members and society members. It was almost impossible for me to control my feelings.

One day when I came back from library, cats and dogs are going on. He was standing near the fourth pillar from right side. He came to me and said, ‘what’s your decision?’

‘Regarding…?’

‘Regarding my proposal?’

‘It’s not in my hand; it’s the jurisdiction of my parents, my family member. I don’t even know you, then how I can say anything to you regarding my marriage.’

O.K.! Good, ‘It’s dangerous to talk to strangers but it’s perfectly okay to marry one. Do you know to whom you will be going to marry? The person who will be chosen by your family member is similarly unknown and stranger to you like me. At least you are seeing me, but you’ll see him on your first night.

‘It’s our tradition.’

‘Accepting an unknown person’s proposal is against the tradition, but it is within the tradition to sleep with an unknown person in the very first night after some religious rituals?’

‘Actually, our parents fixes our marriages by their own experiences, parents never do bad to their children. Look around you, success of arrange marriages percentage is more than love marriage.’

‘Love marriage’s low successful percentage doesn’t designate that it is Nuclear science or Rocket technology. Arrange marriage is based on, ‘A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuses to give up on each other’ and “who refuses to give up on each other” is not love or result of experience, it’s just to level of compromise. Both families pressurize the couple to live together for the sake of their marriage, kids, family reputation, tradition and religion. Then where the hell is love in the marriage?’

In the beginning of my final year, my father accepted a proposal for me, according to my father it was a very good proposal and I’ll be happy in my married life. I was not happy anymore with this proposal because I was in love with that artist who taught me the lesson of love. I don’t know how this news spread up to him that a new proposal has been accepted for my and he was rejected. He never says anything to me; his silence was more painful than his words. He still sits on library stairs but never looks in my eyes. I talked so many times to him but he never replied. In my life I never saw such a loyal worshiper. He loves me but I never accepted his love or his proposal nor put his proposal in front of my parents but now he is out of frame because of my hesitation and society tradition. Tears sliding from cheeks and rolling down on neck but all in vein. He is an artist; he never drawn his line in my palm but he carved his name in my heart. He is in my heart, in my thought but he is not my fortune.

My marriage was after third semester exam and suddenly I became the wife of a Colonel. In very first night my husband says, ‘you are not my choice, you are here because of my parents. I love some other girl, but my family is not ready for marriage with her. I was not ready for this marriage, but my father threatened me that if I’ll not marry with you, he will lose his life. Sitting on the middle of the double bed which is full with pink rose, I thought is he (my husband) really in Army? The person who never afraid with enemies, got trapped in between with his father illogical thought? Is he is really able for Army? I got headache despite room is well decorated with fresh red and white roses, fragrance of lavender makes erotic environment but now I have no interest in the man who is changing his cloth in the attach bathroom. After some time he was over me, his hands slides over me but I was not getting any type of feeling. I was thinking that, if I am not his choice then what he is doing with me? Is fulfilling the lust and ejaculate the ‘so called dumb tradition’ in me is marriage? Without arousing your partner making thrust and stroke is marriage?

He repeated this till I get pregnant. I was in dilemma, what should I do? Whether I celebrate this or I should go for abortion? How can I carry a baby of that person in my womb who never loves me, he comes over me for fulfilling his lust only. Once he get erection he comes over me squeeze and thrust me and when the filthy body goes loose, he slide from me and walk away. I always thought why he is in Army and what is his use there? I have respect for Army because it’s the braves’ men who decorate it but my so called husband is a mucky lusty man. I never feel any respect for him.

My husband got his transfer to Simla, when I was three month pregnant. It was a cloudy and drizzly day when I entered in Army hospital with my mother for my routine checkup. It’s my mother who convinces me for delivery because the baby has no fault with my marriage. ‘Your husband is not alone, all men are same, the never loves their wives at all but when they need you they will jerk off in you. It’s all about psychological and sexual error, which is inherent in men.’ In returning I saw the same face after ten month. He was sitting alone on stairs but I was with mother so I have to neglect him. In our societies, married women can’t talk with stranger men. What a bullshit tradition. I know he is not a stranger to me but according to society law he is still stranger for me. The person is totally stranger for me who taught me what is love without touching me, and the person who drills me every night doesn’t even know the basics of love.

I draft a letter after returning from hospital and gave it to the security guard of my house and said, ‘give it to the man who is wearing sweat shirt over check shirt and sitting on the hospital’s entrance gate stairs.’

Dear,

‘I don’t know when and why I fall in love with you despite so many hurdle and barrier. I never thought about being in relationship with any one before marriage. I had no courage to go against my family for my love so I never thought regarding this. I love to hear your philosophical words although I know that I can’t bear the weight of such words but I have no way to bind my eternal emotions regarding you, so I buried you in my heart. I used to flow on your words but never thought that one day I will be out of your territory. My father arranged my marriage and I have no other choice to accept that. Hope you’ll understand the limitation and feeling of a helpless girl. When I saw you today, I can’t control myself. If my mom wasn’t with me I might hug you. You and your love are flowing in my veins; I can’t stop thinking about you. I know it’s a sin according to our customs and society but now I don’t care about all this holy shit.’

Yours and truly yours forever.

Security guard returns after an hour with a letter and a framed landscape. I never feel recharged like this before. I kept framed landscape aside and open the letter in a hurry.

My goddess,

‘It’s all about fortune and I don’t believe on fortune. I am an artist and I believe only in perfection. If two imperfect people can’t gave a perfect color to their hope and life then what’s the advantage of being together? I am working in Simla with a MNC as a Landscape adviser, hope you are going good in your life. My heart never sounds as well as it behaves for you so I am still single but now onwards I will be not in relationship. My love was for you, is for you, will for you. I am gifting you a landscape sketched by me. Hope it will not hurt your emotions anymore.’

…..

Since then the landscape is fixed on right side wall near by the fire furnace, adjacent to the gallery which opens in lawn. Whenever I miss him or my eyes want to see him, I exchanged my feelings with landscape and his inherent words wounded me so deep that I repeat his words in hysteria mode, “will you marry me?” He never replied back since, but still I am waiting for his reply for my question “will you marry me?”

~
-  Naiyar Imam /10-03-2015